In an honest interview with Jorge Botas of Portugal’s Metal Global, former Nightwish bassist/vocalist Marko Hietala shared deep insights into his personal journey and the reasons that led to his departure from the band in 2021. The bassist and vocalist, known for his powerful presence in the metal world, revealed the complex emotional and mental struggles he faced before making the tough decision to leave the band.
Hietala, who has openly battled depression and anxiety for years, confessed that leaving Nightwish was not an easy choice. “Of course. I was regretting it already when I was leaving. But it was not just Nightwish,” he said. “I’ve said this quite a few times, that I actually left everything.” His struggles with mental health were overwhelming and, over time, worsened to the point where he realized something needed to change: “My trouble with depression and anxiety was constant. It just wouldn’t go away and have gotten worse and worse and worse during the years.”
In fact, it was during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic that Hietala had a realization that would eventually lead to his departure. “When COVID was over, started to be over, and they said that, ‘Okay, we got these plans for the spring and then these plans for touring’ and all that. And then I kind of realized, ‘I don’t want to go. I’m feeling too bad. And if I go on the road, it’s just gonna be a stress. I’m gonna be alone.’” The constant isolation of touring only made his mental state worse, and he knew he needed to step away.
Hietala also revealed how he sought out a solution to his internal struggles, which led him to seek professional help. “Everybody’s got their own survival methods — they’ve gotta have them and all that — so I figured, ‘I cannot do it.’ At the same time, I was also already looking kind of vaguely if there would be a place where I could escape to some winter months because the darkness was making the depression and anxiety worse and all that. And then I kind of realized that ‘I wanna leave everything, all the responsibilities, everything. I need to find out what’s wrong with me.”
Ultimately, he found solace in Spain, where he could disconnect from his hectic life and begin to understand what was truly going on with him: “So I kind of came just to Spain to get away from everything, everyone I know, except for the wife and the dog.”
During his time in Spain, Hietala received a diagnosis that changed everything. After speaking to psychiatrists both in Spain and Finland, he was told he might have ADHD, a diagnosis that seemed unusual given his struggles with depression and anxiety: “I was talking to psychiatrists here in Spain, there in Finland, through video and all that. And then one of them just suggested that ‘you might have ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)’ I’m, like, ‘How the fuck does it relate to depression and anxiety?’ ‘Well, it does. Read about it.’ And I did. Yep. And it’s that feeling of difference that you do not match the other people’s capabilities of handling their daily tasks or whatever”
However, after doing some research and undergoing neuropsychological tests, it became clear that ADHD had been the missing link in understanding his mental health battles. “I was just always lost — everything was a mess,” he said.
The revelation of ADHD helped him understand why he had often felt different and why he struggled with daily tasks and social interactions: “And what do you know? There it is — the ADHD. And it makes you, as a social creature, a tribal creature, that kind of a thing, the social isolation, it’s a slow way to death. We know that loneliness is a killer. Well, yeah, but I kind of learned to deal with it ever since I was a kid. But it doesn’t really make it necessarily easier. It had its consequences. And I was like that: ‘Nothing I ever do will make anything any better. Everything is grey and worthless. And I am too.’ That was the thing that had been growing on me. So, when this ADHD thing came up, then I read about it, went to the neuropsychological test and all that, and yep, I got it.”
It was a life-changing moment for the musician, who explained how this new understanding lifted a great deal of emotional weight. “Yeah, because now I know,” Hietala said. “It’s a relief to know that there are things in your history and yourself that you just cannot help. That’s what you are. So a lot of kind of guilt about things that were left undone or unsaid or went straight to hell from the things you did and said, suddenly you find out that, okay, actually, no matter how much you wish you would have acted differently, you couldn’t, with the knowledge you had that time.”
He described how this knowledge allowed him to let go of the guilt and shame that had haunted him for years. “You can forgive yourself for the shit,” he explained, reflecting on the mistakes he had made. “And then again, you can also forgive quite a lot of other people for not understanding.”
The relief from understanding his condition gave Hietala the strength to look at his past with new clarity. “It’s a relief. You get a load off your chest.” His journey has been a process of self-acceptance, and as he continues to heal, it seems he feels more at peace with himself and his past decisions.